Raising the Bar for Dating Our Daughter & Setting it for Our Son
Have you set a clear standard for your future son-in-law? Does your daughter know what that is? What about your son(s)?
As Christians, we often consider how biblical principles shape public policies—education, immigration, taxes, and marriage—but how intentional are we in applying them within our homes, the first mission field?
Have we prayerfully considered how the Church should live out its faith, starting at home? Does it align with the New Testament? Are we thinking about family and marriage biblically, or do the world’s norms unknowingly influence us?
What I Expect of My Future Son-in-Law
What do you expect of the man who might marry your daughter? As a father, I want my daughters to have high standards that are biblically based. I acknowledge my imperfections, yet I aim to set a higher bar so they seek a better partner than I was for my bride when we married. While no one is perfect, we can guide our children to recognize red flags and pursue godly relationships.
In our home, dating is not casual; it has a purpose: marriage. That means our daughter won’t date at 13, 14, or 15. Dating is for those ready to consider marriage within a few years, focusing on conversations over physical involvement to make sound decisions guided by the Holy Spirit.
Here’s what I’ll ask when a young man seeks permission to date my daughter:
Share Your Testimony
When did you come to know the Lord?
What challenges has He helped you overcome?
Spiritual Growth
Are you part of a small group?
Who mentors you, and how do you mentor others?
What does your daily devotion look like?
Family and Future
What were family devotions like growing up?
What are you looking for in a spouse?
How would you provide for my daughter if you married?
Practical Questions
What’s your view on debt, and how much do you have?
What are your hobbies and interests?
What about my daughter drew you to her?
Personal Growth Tools
Have you taken personality assessments like DISC, The Five Love Languages, or The Six Types of Working Genius?
What was the last book you read, and what did it teach you?
Marriage is a commitment. You don’t mature in your faith or as a man without a community of believers speaking into your life. If a young man isn’t willing to ask my permission to date my daughter, he isn’t ready.
Guarding the Dating Process
Dating in our home won’t involve “mobile hotel” car rides. My daughter will meet her date at the restaurant or event with accountability measures in place. If the young man can’t engage in meaningful conversations in front of adults, he likely has little value to say behind closed doors.
We want to set our children up for success, not failure. That means focusing on talking—not touching—to get to know each other better. Dating should be a discovery process that leads to marriage or a respectful breakup without emotional or physical baggage.
There are many great resources to reinforce this, but two that stand out are:
Hands Off! This May Be Love: God’s Gift for Establishing Enduring Relationships by Gila Manolson
I Only Want to Get Married Once: Dating Secrets for Getting It Right the First Time by Chana Levitan
Our son and youngest daughter have read each two or three times. Grandparents, parents who want the best for their children, pastors, youth leaders, and others who care about the next generation would do well to read these and encourage others to do the same.
Here are additional resources:
The Modern Gentleman: A Guide to Essential Manhood (Signed) by Patrick W. Bass
This is an excellent guide for men 13 and up to read. It would make a great book to read and discuss in small groups as it already includes discussion questions.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Living Together Before Marriage
Living together before marriage isn’t practice for marriage—it’s practice for divorce. Statistics support this. According to a 2002 CDC report, the probability of a first marriage ending in divorce within 5 years is 20%, compared to 49% for premarital cohabitation. After 10 years, the divorce rate for first marriages is 33%, while cohabitations have a 62% breakup rate.
In places like India, where 90% of marriages are arranged, the divorce rate is less than 2% because of commitment. Marriage requires effort and faith. As Ecclesiastes says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” The foundation is solid when two people are committed to each other and the Lord.
Closing Thoughts
To my youngest daughter, this is my prayer for you. When a young man asks to take you out, share these expectations with him. If he disagrees, he should be prepared to discuss it respectfully with me.
Had I been wiser, I would have written this out when our oldest was still in our home. We discussed these things with our son and had him read the books, and it is to my deep regret that I could not disciple him in a way that these things made sense. He now lives outside our house because he desires to approach dating differently.
Marriage is a lifelong commitment. It’s challenging yet rewarding when built on faith and mutual dedication. This is how I believe we can create the best circumstances for success.
Baby Girl, I pray this guidance helps you navigate your relationships with clarity and confidence.
This is a modified version of Just a Thinker Podcast | Episode 0011 Rules for Dating Our Daughter
